How to deal with anger at work - The Chief Happiness Officer Blog

How to deal with anger at work - The Chief Happiness Officer Blog Heres an interesting question that I got yesterday: My husband and I are currently sitting on the sofa, enjoying our day off and writing down our goals for 2008. While doing so, my husband has brought up the topic of work. Here is his statement in a nutshell: I think you are very angry about work in general and need professional help. In searching for help, I came across your website. Heres my question: after being laid off in September and being forced to change careers from the mortgage industry to a more secure industry is there help out there for dealing with the anger I now have because I was forced to change careers at 39 years old and what can I do in the meantime so that my anger doesnt spill into my new career? Thank You, Yvonne This question is interesting for many reasons, most notably because this is obviously making Yvonne unhappy at work in her new job. If its come to the point where her husband believes she needs professional help, its probably also affecting her at home. Also, Yvonne is far from alone. A lot of people face major changes at work. When they are laid off, when their company is bought by a competitor or when major reorganizations fundamentally change their working conditions. Large scale change has become a fact of corporate life and many of us react to it by getting mad. Below youll find my top 5 tips for dealing with anger when when youre going through major change at work. I apologize in advance for venturing maybe a little too close to therapy-land in this post. I honestly dont want to go all Dr. Phil on you guys, but dealing with anger is not possible without taking a look at what goes on inside your head. OK? OK! 5 steps for dealing with anger at work Step 1: Accept that being angry is perfectly natural When were faced with large changes in life and at work, we all have to go through the grief cycle, which has the following stages: Denial: The initial stage: It cant be happening. Anger: Why me? Its not fair. Bargaining: Just let me live to see my children graduate. Depression: Im so sad, why bother with anything? Acceptance: Its going to be OK. Im honestly not sure how scientifically established this model is, but I certainly find it very useful in the work I do with organizations that are going through major change. Last year, I did some work with a branch of the Danish Tax Authority an organization that has gone through enormous change and reorganization in the last year. When I presented a simplified version of this model to them, I could see people breathing sighs of relief. One participant even exclaimed NOW you tell us! Many of them had been angry or depressed about these changes, but nobody had told them that this is normal. Consequently, many of them felt bad about what they were feeling which of course only made them more angry or depressed. Its important to accept your own anger as perfectly OK. Being angry is hard enough. Being angry while telling yourself I really mustnt be angry is infinitely worse :o) This does not give you blanket permission to throw tantrums right and left it just means that being angry is OK, not that every display of anger is allowed. Step 2: Find out what your anger does for you good or bad What does being angry do for you? Think back to previous situations where you have been angry at work and ask yourself how it affects eg.: You Your relationships with co-workers The quality of your work Your energy Your well-being and health How you feel outside of work Your relationships with friends and family For each of these, include both the good and the bad. Maybe being angry gives you a lot of clout and influence on the job but it also means that co-workers tend to avoid you. Maybe being angry feels stressful but it also saves you from being taken advantage of at work. And here is a crucial question: What other emotions, questions and doubts are you free from dealing with because youre angry? When your anger consumes you, which other painful or difficult considerations are you free from thinking about? What would you have to feel/think about/deal with/do something about if you were not angry? Step 3: Find out what makes you angrier and less angry What makes you angrier? Which thoughts, situations, people, conversations set you off? Conversely, what makes you less angry? Im sure youre not angry every second of every day :o) What gives you peace or at least distracts you from the anger? Find out then start doing less of what makes you angry and more of the things that calm you down. Step 4: Focus on gratitude What are you grateful for? As I mentioned above, anger is part of the grief cycle which is associated with loss. Gratitude is the polar opposite of loss, because it obviously comes from the good things you have in your life. Its simple. Every evening, sit down with a piece of paper (and maybe a glass of wine) and make two gratitude lists: 3 things I was grateful for at work today 3 things I was grateful for in life today It can be big things or small things obvious stuff or weird stuff. Whatever makes you feel happy and grateful. If you need some inspiration, check out Scott Nutter who has been doing daily gratitude posts on his blog for 334 days running now. Step 5: Shift your focus from What was done to me to What I can do I know, I know this is the basic staple of all self-help advice. As in When life gives you lemons make lemonade. As in Life is 10% about what happens to you and 90% about how you deal with it. As in You must take responsibility for your own situation, rather than be a victim of. That kind of advice can get pretty nauseating. But that doesnt make it any less true. 3 things NOT to do There are also some things you should avoid doing. 1: Dont vent Common knowledge holds that when youre angry, you should vent to get it off your chest. Interestingly, studies indicate that venting just makes us even angrier. 2: Dont try to justify your anger When youre feeling angry dont waste time and energy justifying it either to yourself or others. Well that guy was a jerk at the staff meeting and the way I was treated in the last reorg was totally unfair and my manager still hasnt apologized and some guy cut me off in traffic on the way home and Youre angry, thats enough. You dont have to list all the reasons why youre angry. Again, that just makes you even angrier. 3: Dont stay trapped in your job There is an amazing amount of peace and calm to be found in the simple fact that Im free to leave and find another job. Conversely, knowing that youre trapped in your current job makes everything much worse. Read my previous posts on How to lose your fear of being fired and the Top 10 advantages of low-rent living for more on this. Your take What about you? Have you tried being really angry because of major changes in your work life? How did it affect you? How did you handle it? Please write a comment, Id really like to know! Related posts The Feel Factor Why no workplace can afford to ignore what people feel How not to let annoying people annoy you How to turn around a bad day at work Thanks for visiting my blog. If you're new here, you should check out this list of my 10 most popular articles. And if you want more great tips and ideas you should check out our newsletter about happiness at work. It's great and it's free :-)Share this:LinkedInFacebookTwitterRedditPinterest Related